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Copyrighted Funny Greeting Cards
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Humorous Greeting Card Ideas
Note to reader :women buy cards WAY more than men..many of these themes are geared toward women. Some of the characters illustrated will not be buddhas.
All intellectual material is copyrighted with a public record or timestamp.
Old Man Buddah Theme
Yes, today we’re going to make a big deal about you...but remember… “you” is just a collection of conditioned beliefs. Ok, lets just try to have a good party anyway;)
How about we change “birth” to “buddha” and celebrate your “b-day” every day? But let’s not sing a theme song...that could get repetitive.
I hope your birthday parties this lifetime are less lame than last lifetime…
How many times are we going to celebrate your birthday? It seems like we do this every year!
Happy Birthday young grasshopper. I’m so old I stopped counting my birthdays. Counting gets tiring...how old are you anyway?
Happy Birthday! I remember when I was your age!
Wait...no…..no I don’t.
Birthdays are a time when you look back...reflect on your mistakes and start to plan for your future... if you’re totally neurotic! Let’s just party:)
I heard it was your birthday...ok that was a lie. I can’t hear very well. I got a facebook notification.
I heard you think you’re really something special now that you’re old like me. Well….you’re right!
You’re celebrating your birthday! I stopped celebrating mine 5 lifetimes ago, but apparently it’s still a novelty to you.
When you have as many birthdays as me...you tend to get mixed up. Apparently I put a 5 dollar bill in this card instead of one of those 100’s I have laying around. Oops.
When you have as many birthdays as me you tend to forget things…
like what day it is…
how old you are…
and if you like vanilla or chocolate cake…
It seems like you are pretty confident on the first two...and the last one is always a nice surprise anyway:)
Ok hotshot...you survived another 365 days...but I have even more rigorous zen training in store for you. (Thinking) You must eat this entire cake….
on one leg…
with ten books on your head….
(smiling)Just kidding…(serious) training starts back up tomorrow.
(furious) I’ve trained you your entire life not to think about your ego...and now you’re celebrating it?
(curious)Out of curiousity...what kind of cake do you have?
The subject of birth and rebirth is a very serious subject to consider. We should probably do that after this totally awesome birthday party.
(furious) You got older another year? That was in direct disobedience of my order for you to stay young!
Anniversary-hmmm maybe a non buddhist character?
Happy Anniversary love of my life! 5 years ago we did something crazy...we got married. But every year I think it was less and less insane.
5 years ago I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You were that unique...that special...and perfect...for me. Ironically, at the same time you piss me off more than anyone alive. :) Consider the ring on your finger your trophy for being the most amazing and most infuriating person...made just for me...and I wouldn’t want it any other way...anyone else would be less than the best.
I can’t believe you’re a year older, you seem to be getting younger, I mean it, you’re gorgeous.
(pic of jewish woman)
Happy Birthday! Don’t expect a present.
Happy Birthday! I forgot to get you a present. Cards are presents...right? You can find a crisp Abe Lincoln in here if you look hard enough. Ok..maybe it fell out.
Happy Birthday! I’m so glad you were born...if you weren’t born...then this whole town would be owned by old man Potter and an angel would never get it’s wings. Wait...thats just from a movie.
Happy Birthday...you’re older, you’re wiser, more is expected of you, you’ll never look the same again...I forget where I’m going with this.
Wow, you’re finally 30. Time to put the grown up pants on. (picture of 30 year old in a onezie.)
You’re 40 and there’s no reason to panic.
You look great, you have a good career, a loving family. Wait...I’m very jealous of you. I forgot....this isn’t about me...it's about you.
It’s your birthday! That’s an accomplishment. Congratulations for not being weeded out by predators and disease by now.
You’re 60. No one knows as much as you. It’s not true, but no one below 60 knows that.
Happy Birthday! Alive for another year! My God, what will it take to kill you? I mean..you’re so resilient!
Happy Birthday, you’ve outwitted old man time again. I never thought I would say this, but you’re right...you ARE an immortal vatican assassin.
Happy Birthday! It’s not fair, why can’t I have genes like you...you seem to be getting younger! Seriously...I will pay a king’s ransom for your secret. There’s money in the card...take it...have your people talk to my people.
Happy Birthday! You’re actually seem to be getting younger! I’m not kidding...you’re a freak of nature..I hate you.
Happy Birthday! I can’t believe you just keep going. And you’re still healthy. This poison isn’t working.
I just want you to know that with all that you’ve been going through... my problems still seem like more of a big deal.
Thanks for that thing you did when I needed that thing.
You’re getting married! Wow, it seemed like just yesterday that you were carousing with all the men in town. Actually I thought I saw you yesterday...that wasn’t you...was it?
You’re getting married...I’m so happy for you...you’ll be comforted and protected for the rest of your life and I will still always be here for you...right here...in this very place...all by myself...desperately alone.
You’re getting married! By the way this card is worded, it seems like I’m the one informing you about this. Don’t worry, he’s a good guy...I did a background check.
Congratulations on your engagement! Where’s the ring? I want to see how much I should hate you.
Congratulations on your engagement! You’ve waited a long time for this... and now all you have to do... is wait longer.
Congratulations on your engagement! I’m your maid of honor right? Ok I’m your bridesmaid right? Ok I’m invited right?
Congrats on your engagement! He’s a real catch! Seriously...I’ve never seen a woman so aggressively capture a man before.
Congrats on your engagement! I best be yo MOH bitch. I mean...I’m so happy for you. (I will cut you)
Congrats on your engagement! You couldn’t have chosen a better guy. I should know...I chose him first.
Congrats on your engagement! You two are so beautiful together...and your offspring will be freaking magical.
Congrats on your engagement. I’ve never seen you look so happy. What’s the name of that dating site again?
You’re getting married! You don’t even know how excited I am. Is it weird that I am living vicariously through you now?
You found the match of a lifetime! He’s moral...he’s good looking...does he have any single brothers?
You’re getting married! It's so amazing! It's so unexpected!….when is the baby due?
Thinking of You
I was watching this discovery channel documentary about genetically deformed squirrels and I thought of you...I don’t know why...don’t take it the wrong way.
I heard you were unwell...and I was like “ The devil can’t keep her down!” and then I heard you were recovering and I was like “I told you devil...don’t even mess with my girl”.
I heard you were sick, and I had to find a way to tell you that I’m thinking of you and I care. So I went to this place called Hallmark and purchased an overpriced piece of paper with my exact sentiments written on it. You see..my handwriting is really bad and I don’t know how to use email.
You just gave birth to an angel! Does that make you some kind of a demi-goddess or elfin queen? Ok I’ve been watching too much game of thrones.
I’m so happy about your new baby! I’ve been wanting you to have a baby for a long time. You see...I will not have babies...but I like to visit them.
You gave birth! That must have hurt! Are you ok?
You gave birth! ...a human being came out of you. This is bizarre yet wonderful!
You have a new baby! Where did you find it? I want one too.
You have a new baby! Who knew that one night of passion 9 months ago would lead to a sentient being with the ability to save or destroy the world. Anyway...can I come look at it?
You gave birth! Way to take one for the team!
You gave birth to a new baby! I’m sure that after all of the pain...all of the mucus...and blood...wait...why did you do this?
You gave birth to a baby! It was human right? I have been reading way too many tabloids.
Congrats on your new angel! But remember, angels have no free will and can only do the work of God. They are basically robots for God..congrats on your new robot.
You just gave birth to a wee little human. Don’t worry...I hear they are just like husbands only smaller. You’ve got this covered.
You’re a mother! I never thought I would say this...without the word “fucker” following it.
Good job on that thing you did...it was a hard thing, but you did a lot of things and stuff and people were impressed. They were like “That girl who normally just does that one thing, did like a million things to get our stuff. We should have her do more than that one thing. What on earth is her name?”
Congrats! You did great kid! I don’t know what you did...but it was exceptional.
Congrats! You’ve come a long way, you’ve got a lot longer to go...you’ve barely gone anywhere...why am I congratulating you?
Congrats! You’ve edged your way just past average!
Congrats! You did a great job! So great...we think you should do a lot more on a normal basis. Way to go Mr. Bigshot.
Good job! You've been doing so amazing. But...you’re making me look bad. Can you possibly do slightly less ...every day so no one notices...until we’re at about the same level?
It's Christmas time and you’re the best present I could ask for. But still get me a present...don’t forget about that. Last year wasn’t cool.
It's Christmas time! An elderly..morbidly obese man will soon be breaking and entering….but don’t worry...he is wearing pajamas and hasn’t shaved in years.
It's Christmas...it reminds me of how much I love you. And how many presents I should get for you to show you how much I love you. “Should” is the main word here...this card was the cheapest thing I could find.
It's Christmas..a magical time of year that we ruin by visiting relatives.
Merry Christmas...Because of your behavior...I’m giving you coal this year. It's not that you’ve been bad...I heard you have a coal furnace. Coal is very valuable. Stop looking at me that way.
Merry Christmas, may you and your family survive this winter and into the new year.
Merry Christmas! You’ve spent all your money on presents. Rent’s due in 5 days. Don’t worry, a new year is right around the corner..and you can make a resolution to lose all that weight.
Long ago there was a saint in europe named Valentine..he was doing some time in jail...and he wrote some letters to people because he had nothing else to do. Hundreds of years later, the greeting card industry created this holiday. I still love you..like a lot! At first I was pissed that I had to buy this card, but then it said exactly how I feel. I’m not the most romantic guy in the world, but I do love you more than anything...I may not be a saint, but if I was in jail...I would write to you...
Mom, you gave birth to me..I came out of your “you know what”. This still blows my mind and I only think about it on mother’s day and my birthday.
Mom, there is no way to repay you for all of the time, love, and effort you have given to make me who I am...and since it's impossible I will ceremonially say “thanks for that” once a year.
Mom, you nourished me in the womb while I disabled you from doing anything normal for 9 months, you painfully gave birth to me, you literally had me suck more food out of you for over a year. Then you cleaned my poop and vomit and listened to me scream until I was a resentful teenager. Why did you do that? That was insanity.
Dad, you weren’t always there...wait...where were you?
They don’t make dads like you anymore...I guess it's because chuck norris stopped impregnating humans.
You’re the best dad in town...this town is full of drunks and losers...but I think you would be above average in other towns as well.
I’ll always be daddy’s little girl...partially because you’re so huge and I’m abnormally small.
Happy Father’s Day! You don’t get any credit for anything you do...how can you stand that?
Happy Father’s Day! Can I borrow more money?
Happy Father’s Day! You’re the most badass dad! How do you retain your coolness with all the time you spend around mom?
You graduated! You wanted to give up, but then you remembered that you would end up living in a van down by the river. Good choice.
You graduated, you could have chosen the easy route...but that’s my job.
You graduated, now you’re forced to wear a robe and silly hat…..don’t ask me why we do these things, just throw that weird square hat in the air and celebrate.
Happy Halloween...may all of your worst nightmares come true... in a safely controlled and illusory environment.
If native americans could sit down with the pilgrims who were stealing their land and begging off of them...then our family stands a chance at the dinner table this year as well.
Happy St. Patricks!
In case you didn’t know...Saint Patrick is a really important person to celebrate...you see...he is the patron saint of ….pub crawling hoochie mammas.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day
I don’t know if we’re irish, but lets drink like we are.
Happy St. Patrick's Day...because the irish know how to have a good time...you know what...we should def have more irish holidays.
Every time I get you a card, you get suspicious. You think that I only get you a card when I do something wrong. Well this time it's just because I love you. Let's just use this as credit for the future when I inevitably do something wrong.
My Work Experience
- Currently Freelancing