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God Retires to Florida: World Tries to Figure Out the Washing Machine

By Katherine Williams

The world was stunned yesterday, when Yahweh announced plans to retire to Palm Beach. In an exclusive interview, Yahweh (who also goes under the names God, The Father, Holy One, etc) explains that this decision has been a long time coming.

R: So you said you’ve been considering this retirement for many years. Why now?

Y: Well, I considered it back around the 50’s, but even then the kids weren’t really ready. I hinted a few times, and there were tons of threats to hold their breath until they turned blue. I just couldn’t scrape everyone off then. But things are different now. People are finally figuring things out for themselves. Some people still insist on using my exact written instructions for living, but most people realize they’ve got the basics in their head. Plus, I got an amazing deal on a condo.

R: So you really never intended for the Bible to become a permanent fixture in the lives of your children?

Y: When you go out of town for a few days, and leave a note of instructions for your kids, do you expect them to keep using that note to guide the rest of their lives? I don’t think so.

R: So then why did you write this huge book at all?

Y: Ok, first of all, I didn’t write the whole thing. In point of fact, only 4 of the so-called Ten Commandments were written in stone, so to speak. Don’t kill, screw around on your significant other, steal or lie. Those are the only ones I absolutely forbade. Technically, I did throw in that idol worshipping one as a PS, but only to prevent reality TV shows. You see how well that worked. And I did threaten some serious retribution if anyone spray painted bad puns about me on the mountains again, but someone turned that into a whole “I’m the one and only God” thing. Just proves the point that the kids needed some rules back then.

R: What about Honor Thy Mother and Father?

Y: That was some smartasses idea of a joke, when I told him to stop sassing me. Honestly, I’ve met a lot of mother’s and father’s who don’t deserve much honor. You really think I’m punishing the Lohan kids for not honoring their screwed up parents? I’m not that big of a prick.

R: And the whole coveting...

Y: People do like to think I’m scouring their brain for more bad behavior, don’t they? Don’t drool after something another person has? Have you seen the new iPhone?! Next thing people will honestly believe that lust is a sin.

R: People do actually.

Y: Not smart people. Am I right?

(The interview paused briefly while The Father insisted I give him a knuckle bump)

R: So why did you write, the parts you created, of the bible?

Y: You’re not going to capitalize that word, are you?

R: What word; bible?

Y: Yeah.

R: Shouldn’t I?

Y: Is the name of the book Bible?

R: Um, no, I guess it isn’t.

Y: Nuff said.

R: Point taken.

Y: Let’s face it, there was a time you were all pretty stupid and juvenile. You were running around like idiots, just following every prehistoric impulse still left in you. It was like Land of the Id out there. My job, as a parent, is to look out for you. I was trying to set some boundaries, until you were old enough to think for yourselves. I was doing my duty. I just didn’t think you’d use it like a crutch, to run the world for the rest of your lives.

R: I see. So what kind of reaction are you getting, now that you’ve announced your retirement?

Y: There’s been a lot of pissing and moaning about what they are going to do if something new comes up, that they’ve never faced before. I’ve had a lot of requests for my cell number, in case of emergencies. I tried hard not to laugh at that.

R: Are you leaving any kind of emergency contact information?

Y: Nope. I’m not even telling people my Twitter handle. It’s not enough I’m leaving the kids the house, they want to call me when the garbage disposal clogs up? I don’t think so. It’s not like I had the internet, nuclear proliferation or stem cell research already in mind when I wrote the book. I’ve done the best I can to redirect them when they were confused. I even made a few more gay animals to make my point; but they don’t listen. Their big boys and girls now, let them figure it out for themselves.

R: So what are you going to do with all your free time?

Y: First I’m catching up on my television shows. Do you know I’ve only ever seen one episode of Firefly?! It’s insane. For years everyone’s thanked me for helping them create brilliant entertainment, and I never have time to enjoy it myself. From now on it’s all about Me time.

Follow Up: A few days after this interview was published, Yahweh did announce plans to attend 2009’s ComicCon, but insists it’s just to see the Chuck and V panels. There will be no autograph signing arranged, but inside sources do say the Supreme Being will be attending in costume, as one of the Winchester brothers.

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Why Eli Wallach Keeps Making Me Cry

By Katherine Williams

I’ve rewatched Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip twice in the last few weeks. And it doesn’t matter how many times I watch it, I will always cry at certain things; when Jordan first wakes up to see her baby girl, when Matt tells the writing staff why they had to cut the sketch about the stupid guy taking hostages, when Tom confirms his brother has been rescued. There are others, of course, but none of them compare to the moment Eli Wallach tells the story of Clifford Odets and the night before his testimony to the House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC).
One of the things I truly loved about Studio 60, was how much attention it paid to the rich and sad history of Hollywood. It seems unreal to me, just how few people know that history. I used to watch the show with my family, and have to explain things like Ed Asner’s joke about not knowing United Artists’ still existed. And when Jack Rudolph starts to tear up at the realization that we don’t really know where the first list of alleged communists came from; I really can’t explain to anyone what his emotions are based in, without telling them a lot more history than an hour of television can offer.

These are the moments when Studio 60 really shined for me. Because it let me tap into the feelings I had when I first started to learn about McCarthyism, the black lists, the Hollywood Ten, and HUAC. Those feelings were a deep ache in my gut. I’m sure most people have some particular historical period which kicks them - really hard - in the stomach. For me, this is the biggest wrench. Many people don’t get my fascination, but it really comes down to Jack’s tears and Eli’s outrage and betrayal. As a person who has long adored - and desire to be a part of - the storytellers of the Hollywood system, I feel that sense of anger and revulsion at remembering a time in our history where artists were called traitors because they believed in this country.

And that, in a nutshell, is what it comes down to. The ‘unfriendly’ witnesses, the Hollywood Ten, those who refused to cooperate; these people believed that ideas weren’t criminal, and as such they gave no credence to a tribunal intended to lock up free minds and free speech. They fought, and some of them paid dearly for it. Studio 60 came along at a very important time for those of use cringing at an environment that seemed ready to explode all over again. The Dixie Chicks and Toby Keith, Michael Moore being booed at the Oscars, Martin Sheen’s Visa ad being pulled; it seemed as much as the country was ready to hate anyone protesting the wars, we were especially ready to hate artists who spoke out. Even now, a few years later, there are moments when the world is still ready to crucify Hollywood for destroying the minds and hearts of America. That, more than even my love of the show and its wonderful collection of storytellers, is why I miss Studio 60 so tremendously. And of course, for moments like these...


Matt: You think I have contempt for my government.

Harriet: Yeah.

Matt: Harry, if I do, it ain't nothing compared to the contempt than my government has for me.

Harriett: Matt, your government has no idea who you are.

Matt: I know. But that doesn't stop them from getting votes by calling me a lazy, pampered, anti-American, anti-family, immoral, perverted, dishonorable, weak fairy.


Hollywood has a strong influence on this country, there’s no denying that. But it always strikes me how people ignore the two-way street. As quick as they are assume that a new freedom of sexuality in this country is a product of Hollywood, it seems far more likely that Hollywood is reflecting the changing views of the people. After all, people do make movies and TV shows. Sure, a lot more liberal than conservative people. But that is another unavoidable fact; artists tend more toward progressive thinking and politics. They’re also not afraid to shout out their ideals because they don’t have the stage fright of the average person. But it also makes them a target of conservative ideals, because they can point West and find dozens of people for their followers to sneer at.

Which brings me to Harriet Hayes; the would-be token Christian of the Studio 60 world. I say would be, because Harriet was no one’s token. Sarah Paulson’s moving portrayal, combined with Aaron Sorkin’s brilliant words, gave us a great example of the kind of Christian progressives can be proud of. And no, it wasn’t because she didn’t mind sketches like Crazy Christians and admitting to liking premarital sex. It was because she truly never impressed her beliefs on others. Sure, she’d make jokes that God liked her better because he restored the studio’s power at her behest, but that was simply friendly jibes. Her coworkers/friends never minded because they knew Harriet never thought less of them for their lack of faith. Because in Harriet’s mind, the God she loved would never punish these talented, intelligent, kind and loving people by sending them to hell.

As far as Jesus’ fandom goes; Harriet Hayes was at the top of the list. But she never treated her love of ‘god’ and JC as a platform that put her above anyone else. In fact, she was the epitome of turn the other cheek; even while a militant gay man was screaming in her face, daring her to call him a faggot, pretending as if she’s already used worse language in the article that had offended him. And make no mistake, in that instance, Harry was the victim. Even if you were pissed as hell at what she did say in the badly edited interview, never once did she use any speech that could be qualified as hate. I’m not even sure a good Christian girl like Harry knows how to hate. She was really the kind of character who loved everyone, not because she believed Jesus loved them, but for the same reasons she believed he did; because flawed or not we’re all just people doing what we can to get by. This is why her religion is never marginalized by her co-workers, including devout atheist Matt. Yes, it’s a source of comedy; but at the Addison Theater, everything is a source of comedy.

And comedy is how the cast and crew of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip survive their complicated and tricky lives. Because, while it is absolutely true that Hollywood is as full of ‘normal people’ as any town in the United States of America, they do have one particular difference in their day to day lives; everything they say/do/produce is scrutinized by half the world. In that way, Studio 60’s premise is a lot like West Wing’s; yes these are normal people, but no one is pretending they lead entirely normal lives. The decisions they make have ripple effects well beyond what they can plan for, and that reality weighs on the shoulders of many.

But in Studio 60, we finally have a show that aims to prove something very important to the country; Hollywood consists of a lot more than the famous ‘liberals’ that people tend to sneer at. Hollywood is like any other town in the country; it has influential and affluent people at the helm, but most people are just doing their job and the best they can to make a living, raise a family, etc. It is populated with liberals, conservatives, and people who couldn’t care less about politics. And that’s the true history of the Hollywood; normal people, doing an unusual job, but still just trying to do it the best they can. That’s what Studio 60 aimed to show more than anything; that these are normal flawed humans, really no different than the people watching them at home.

*Thank you to Netflix On Demand for feeding my unending desire to find new beloved movies/shows and allowing me to revisit those which have already stolen my heart. A film/tv-aholic is grateful for you.
* FBI files and the ‘friendly’ HUAC witnesses were alleged to have been the original authors, but there has also been speculation that the Motion Picture Alliance for the Preservation of American Ideals had a hand in it.

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Liberal Guilt and Conservative Hypocrisy

By Katherine Williams

Rush Limbaugh, the conservative radio host, and some would argue self-appointed leader of the right-wing... why am I telling you who he is? We know all too well his credentials. If you don’t; well that’s what Wikipedia is for. Anyway, Mr. Limbaugh was taken to the hospital Wednesday night, complaining of chest pains. The most recent reports indicate he is/was in serious condition.

When news broke of this, the social networking community did what it always does, they expressed themselves. In fact, the press is already commenting on the commenting, with the general consensus that some of the reactions [which have included “Couldn't have happened to a more deserving (of bad things) person!] are inappropriate. (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/abraham/detail??blogid=95&entry_id=54391)

I understand their argument, I truly do. Personally, I was fonder of the comment, “He's lucky he's not poor and unemployed” (http://www.examiner.com/x-24390-Twitter-Entertainment-Examiner~y2009m12d31-Rush-Limbaugh-hospitalized-ire--compassion-from-Twitter). Even if you disagree with someone’s views of the world, wishing them dead is pretty hefty. But, at the same time, I can also appreciate the other side, because reactionary people will almost always cause extreme responses. My first online tweet, after reading what was going on, was this...

A sad testament to someone's life; when there are very good people who find you so repugnant they feel guilty for not feeling bad UR ill.

And that, more than anything, is how I feel. I don’t wish him dead. I’m not sure it is in me to wish anyone dead. And for his family’s sake, I really do hope he makes a full recovery. But I can’t feel bad for him specifically, even though he might be going through something really scary right now. And the reason is because I don’t respect him. I’m not talking about respecting that he has a right to his opinion, or his right to simply exist, because that is an entirely separate issue.

I don’t respect him as an individual, and a citizen. I feel that he is too big a part of the misinformation and lies that the extreme right-wing has been feeding with even more fervor in the last year. Limbaugh has had a hand in the barely-worth-it Health Care Reform bill we are now staring in the face. He, and his compatriots, have trotted out fake death panels, used the HCR to promote their agenda of removing women’s reproductive choices, and helped lead us to a bill that doesn’t do near enough to take profits out of the health care industries priorities. And that is only the HCR, not even delving into his stance on the environment, illegal immigrants, and other popular right-wing talking points.

If Limbaugh were to die, his voice wouldn’t die with him, but it would begin to mute more over time. That might sound like an awful thing to say, but it is not in any way an endorsement of the idea. I’m simply stating the reality of what would happen. Many people believe that would be good for the country, but even those who share that opinion aren’t wishing him dead (mostly).

But many of them probably also feel just a little bad for seeing it as a silver lining, and I understand that sentiment. It makes you think though. If a fair amount of the populace really believes this country would be improve by the removal of one individual, what does that say about the individual? According to a Gallup poll in February 2009 (http://www.gallup.com/poll/114163/limbaugh-liked-not-republicans.aspx), 45% of American’s do not approve of Limbaugh’s ideas and/or tactics. And if even half of those people are as frustrated with him as I am (and I’d wager it’s more than 1/2), that means just under a quarter of the country’s population really believes that his absence (though most would settle for him being fired or going into seclusion of course) would benefit this country.

So what does that say about the man? I’ll leave that for you to decide. In the meantime, to those of you who yearn for a Rush-free world, but aren’t pulling out the voodoo dolls hoping to stick the final pin in, don’t beat yourself up. I’m sure plenty of people on the other side of the camp would be cheering on the demise of our own president, should he have been the one spirited away in an ambulance (possibly even to the same hospital since Rush decided to spend the holidays in Hawaii at the same time as Obama and Pelosi). To those who are actually reaching for the doll, just remember that whole boomerang of karma thing, and don’t be surprised when the rest of us duck to avoid getting hit.

Update: Obviously, at this point Rush appears to be in stable condition. So I guess the angry among us aren’t big with the juju.